Coping with Changes

Watching a loved one progress through stages of aging can be awkward and frightening to a family, even for adults. All too often the changes seniors go through can be something people try to ignore, hoping it will just go away. Talking about what is happening helps make it easier to remain closer to loved ones and harder to be caught up in guilt or remorse.

Illness and aging bring with them different pieces of equipment like walkers and oxygen tanks, it presents seniors with changes in balance and stamina, and sometimes it brings with it changes in memory and behavior. Some of these changes ignite curiosity eliciting questions like "how come?" or "what is it?" But some are downright scary like seeing a loved one in intensive care surrounded by tubes and monitors. Or it can be scary having a mother or father unable to recognize family members or acting strangely out-of-character.

It helps to anticipate questions by talking through what is going on so family members can be forewarned and questions addressed with simple, honest, and straight forward answers. Here are some of the most often faced questions.

How come grandma has to use that?

This seems the most innocent and straight forward kind of question. It involves explaining how the walker is a tool to help grandma get around and keep her balance should she get dizzy. And sometimes it can help to explain that the walker or a special electric bed is not a toy to be played with. This seems to be the slow pitch softball level of question.

Doesn't Grandpa love me anymore?

This kind of question moves to a different level and is not just limited to children's feelings being hurt. If a person has trouble or no longer recognizes you it is very hard not to feel rejected. It helps to remind the child that Alzheimer's disease is making it hard for your loved one to remember things and that you or your child is still an important part of the loved one's life. Hurt feelings make it much harder to face what is going on.

Is it my fault?

If a person with some of the dementia of old age accuses you or your child of some wrong doing, for example misplacing their purse or wallet, it is hard not to find yourselves feeling responsible and wanting to fix it. Though much harder to face, accusations of abandonment and leaving your loved one to live with strangers can elicit the same feelings of responsibility and wanting to fix it. You can't fix aging. If these situations happen, it is important to remember this condition is part of the reason why your family sought help and support to keep your loved one safe.

Will you get Alzheimer's or will I?

Alzheimer's is not automatic and it is not contagious. Though a scary alternative, it helps to remember that most people don't get the disease. We recommend contacting the Alzheimer's Association for more information and there may be things which you can do that may help prevent Alzheimer's.

What will happen next?

If you have a loved one facing dementia or Alzheimer's, prepare yourself for the changes in routine, behavior, and self sufficiency which may be coming. Reassure your family and children that your loved one has a disease and they will continue to love you even if it becomes harder for the senior to express those feelings.

Stay involved

Most kids and families are resilient and can find ways and activities which allow you to stay involved. Read appropriate books and children's' stories about Alzheimer's because they can help maintain the courage needed and offer the comfort of knowing you are not alone. Please stay involved.